My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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