i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
