I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
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He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
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His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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