Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
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i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
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She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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