the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
pray to the hookup gods
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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