This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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