Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
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Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
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I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You left your phone here
Wait...
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