A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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