He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
