I think I won the penis lottery.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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