Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
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