Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
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It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
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"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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