I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
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apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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