Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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