if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Just puked most of my soul out..
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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