I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
she told me i tasted like america
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
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He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
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If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
My penis needs a shock collar
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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