Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize