guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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