Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
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