Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
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Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
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How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
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