did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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