ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize