Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
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Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
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Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
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