My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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