and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
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ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
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I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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