Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize