i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
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If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
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You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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