haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize