You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize