I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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