I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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