He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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