I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
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im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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