im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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