i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
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i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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