The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
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No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
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Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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