Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
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One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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