Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
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I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
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All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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