dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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