I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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