Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
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Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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