Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
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next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
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