I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
