First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
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