I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
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