dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
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Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
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And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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