I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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