I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
