How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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