my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
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I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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