Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
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Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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